and today was probably one of the saddest days of my life.
today, i read an sms message that shocked me into stunned silence, and made my heart pound twice as fast. that brought everything around me and in my life to a standstill.
today, my emotions crumbled into little pieces, as i tried desperately to pick them up but could not.
not when i still am in disbelief, even though i know it to be true already. not when i cannot figure out in my mind why did this have to happen. not when i just saw you on monday from afar but was in too much of a rush to walk back and talk to you.
would that have made a difference?
if it would, i'm guilty of so much i don't even know where to start.
i regret so many things.
i regret not being able to attend your birthday celebrations this year cos of my stupid injured leg.
i regret not sitting with you and leonard last thursday for patho lect, when i had so much i wanted to talk to you guys about.
i regret not going for our OG cycling outing just this saturday, again cos of this leg of mine.
in fact, i regret that we've drifted away from you since year 2. did you know that from year 1, i've always wanted to work with you and leonard in clinical years? but that i just didn't summon up the courage to ask you guys, and now i won't get to do so anymore.
i miss you.
i miss so many things of you i don't even know where to start.
i remember how much fun we had in medicamp, doing simple things like playing bridge whilst it was raining outside.
i remember when we were working on float in year 1, and i was the only one left behind cos it was rather late, you were the one who stayed with me till my mother came to fetch me.
i remember the first DnD we attended with Godzilla, and how the girls lined up to take photos dressed in the guys' jackets, and i was wearing yours. did you know i even remember that?
i miss the time we went to watch a play together. and i regret that i left almost immediately after that cos my mom came to pick me up. i really wanted to go eat supper with you as you planned, did you know that? i'm sorry i disappointed you...
i miss how we used to study together with the OG in the library in year 1, and then outside the library in year 2.
i miss the time we went over to your place and made pineapple tarts with your wonderful mom who loves you so much.
i miss the time we went over to your hostel and helped you and your mom pack up stuff to bring home...
i miss how in year 2, you would study in sch till late and go to 7-eleven to buy your coke light and mashed potatoes.
i miss the times we went to ECP as an OG and cycled around and had supper after that.
i miss the outings we had at JP's place, and how we had so much fun bumming around.
i missed playing WOW with you that 2-3 weeks i tried it out, miss just seeing your presence online, playing.
i miss seeing you strum on your guitar, the one that we bought you for your bday.
i miss seeing you around during clinical years, especially since we were doing different postings, and i hardly saw you around anymore.
you and leonard were my brothers in year 1, and there was nobody's company i enjoyed more than you two during lectures. it pains me that i didn't make more of an effort to keep in touch and keep the friendship strong.
i'm just swimming with guilt and sadness.
i can't fanthom why this happened.
i would have been here for you, or even if you didn't feel close enough to talk to me, you have so many people who would do anything for you.
so why?
my heart bleeds for your mom.
and although i feel sad, i feel angry at the same time too.
i'm angry that your mom and your brother and your other relatives have to go through this unthinkable, undescribable pain.
i'm angry that you didn't think of turning to us or talking to us.
i'm angry that you left us like that, with no answers to help us understand what happened.
but each time i think of the fact that you won't be there for our next gathering, each time i think of how i'll never see a post on your blog again, each time i think of how your facebook account will remain where it is, each time i think of how you won't get to hear the next new coldplay album you loved so much and were so passionate about, my mind just goes blank and i can't help but feel the sadness and the tears just come again. the phrase "it's permanent" rings in my mind, the thought that it's for eternity, that i will only be able to look back at the many photos we took, and that you'll be stuck in that time, never moving forward, it just breaks my heart over and over again.
we were asked today how to cope with this.
i don't know how to cope.
talking about it makes me feel sad, but not talking about it doesn't mean i don't think about it.
i torture myself by going through the old photos, your facebook account that you just went on at 12 midnight yesterday, the blog entries you've written since year 1. because i don't wanna forget, even though it hurts to remember every single thing you've said or done.
i really really really miss you already.
you were loved by us.
+ serene @ 8:38 PM
* [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 8:38 PM
wheeeeeee back with a post! :)
heh o&g's been really really crazy...with the long days and night calls and amount of workload and exams that go along with it...exhausting! still, been loving my first week in SGH, where all the tutors are so nice and friendly and approachable! not to mention, great teachers as well :) plus eve and i finally learnt how to scrub into an op properly with the guidance of a nice and patient MO hurhur...luckily he didn't question us how come we still don't know how to scrub properly in M4 hee :)
still, today saw the sad side of O&G...there was this newly married couple who came into the consultation room...the wife had just underwent a growth scan for her 11 week old baby...and the scan showed no foetal heartbeat, indicating that she had a miscarriage that she didn't even know of. and it was truly heartbreaking to see them absorbing the piece of bad news, when seconds ago, both of them were so high and happy talking about how she was coping well with the pregnancy. :( i don't know how to describe it further, but at that point in time, putting myself in her shoes, i don't know how she managed to keep from breaking down at that moment itself...must say that she was really emotionally strong. whereas i felt like crying, but had to hold it up in front of the couple...and it was tough.
but then again, there's the happiest side of O&G where i got to deliver a baby boy!!! hee kk the midwife did most of it i guess...i just helped to pull him out a little, cut the cord and deliver the placenta..and i did part of an episotomy!!! hurhur i would have liked to say that it was extremely heartwarming and touching to have delivered a baby, but truly, the experience was more nerveracking than anything else haha..the fear that i would not be able to pull out the baby the right way, or that something i do might affect the baby was extremely extremely EXTREMELY stressful hee :) BUT. i'm not complaining :)
looking forward to the last 3 weeks of O&G! not the studying part though :S
+ serene @ 11:09 PM
* [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 11:09 PM
i am
ant writing revived
sunny
valerie
j(ad)ed
crys
jen
ili
emily
hon
yihan
shuwan
milly
kaihan
pam
chiara
serene (lee)
shishi
clarissa
hongking
jingjing
yaozong
huileng
zhiyin
christelle
sabrina
rosie
the tucksombong gang! :)
tzeyeong
audrey
02/01/2002 - 03/01/2002
03/01/2002 - 04/01/2002
04/01/2002 - 05/01/2002
05/01/2002 - 06/01/2002
06/01/2002 - 07/01/2002
07/01/2002 - 08/01/2002
08/01/2002 - 09/01/2002
09/01/2002 - 10/01/2002
10/01/2002 - 11/01/2002
11/01/2002 - 12/01/2002
12/01/2002 - 01/01/2003
01/01/2003 - 02/01/2003
02/01/2003 - 03/01/2003
03/01/2003 - 04/01/2003
04/01/2003 - 05/01/2003
05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003
06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003
07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
01/01/2009 - 02/01/2009
blogger
blogskins
gettyimages
blinding-light
__________________
Designed by: cherish-