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Friday, October 31, 2003

bio o was such a farce. sitting there, pretending to understand what the darn questions were asking, while my mind was rather a complete blank most of the time. ended up trying to second-guess the setter's mind, trying to think of where the answers could be, whether there was a trick to the question, whether she was using reverse psychology by putting an answer that sounded too simple to be true *grinses* oh it was fun certainly, if u consider sitting there for 4 hours, taking 4 papers of 50 mcq each fun :)

met xizhen and co. today, with the co. referring to some people in her super duper unbelievably smart class, who has like wot, 6/7 really pro, truly qualified people (unlike me) in bio o?? was fun talking to her again, hadn't seen her for such a long time, haha xizzy! see your name's here! hope u find it amidst your "scanning" of my blog, in your own words :) oh yes, and the ssef briefing was such a waste of time, can't believe we cabbed down from jurong point to rush for the briefing sheesh.

oh yes, and yihan was updating me on the exciting details of today in school. well...there was apparently an exciting physics lecture and lesson, a fantastic one-hour talk on pw by mr chan, a wonderful chinese lesson, and who can forget the large amount of attention rendered on the students by the teachers today, since there was a grand total of 15 people who turned up at school? *grinses* geez. :)

and i really can't take it any longer. it's like day after day of pure torture, really. just wish i could shut it all out, shut out everything of you, shut out everything. why don't i get this wish? why can't i just do this one thing that sounds so simple, yet almost impossible to accomplish? the more i try, the harder it seems. eyes meet, i look away first, i pretend nothing's happened, pretend i don't know you, pretend you're not even there, pretending you don't exist. but how long can this pretence continue, and how long can i hold this in when everywhere i turn, everywhere i go, you're forever there? how long more to forgetting, to forgiving? how long more before i don't have to force my mind to go blank, to not think, to not remember, to not regret? will it be like this all the way, will the silence ensue, will the cold war last for eternity? then again, why would i want this to stop? what's the point, really?


+ serene @ 10:21 PM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 10:21 PM

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Thursday, October 30, 2003

was still feeling rather down in school today, didn't say much the whole day, with the confusion still spinning in my head over and over again. felt much better after school though, a run with shane and the impromptu badminton game following that made me feel loads better. badminton was how fun! must must do it more often, even though i suspect my arm's gonna ache like crazy by tomorrow heh. oh the run was how refreshing and nice, with the fantastic weather blessed upon us haha. that timed itself such that it only started to rain after the completion of the 12 rounds! :) yay big thanks to shane for taking away all that internal "fan2-ness" in me *grinses* in fact, was feel extremely cheerful after all that exercise today yay. plus the delicious donuts i sampled yum :) and i was halfway through the "road to perdition" comic book when my mom came to fetch me! argh i want to finish it man...it's really quite good :)

bio o in a matter of a few hours woohoo...and i'm still doing chinese *laughs*
oh yes, thanks hongking in advance for giving me a lift to nie tomorrow :) and thanks weiqi, yihan and shane for your best wishes! *beam* i'll just go there and try as best as i can to sift out the most intellectually-sounding answer and pick that as my choice. decided not to bring a coin in for tossing after all :)


+ serene @ 10:38 PM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 10:38 PM

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not exactly a very exciting day in school today, with proper lessons commencing with the going through of the dreaded promo papers. bio o is worrying, but not as worrying as chinese AOs are. chinese is so scary, i've sort of given up on bio o totally, holding the hope that more work done on chinese instead of bio now makes more sense. getting into the swing of chinese, and it isn't bad at all! after all, we have the best lao shi in the whole world :)

it's getting harder and harder to ignore these days. the ache's returning stronger than ever, with more confusion than ever. laughing over something today, sensed an omnipresent you, turned around, and the laughter just died away. it can't be healthy to let these feelings overtake me like this, it can't be. but where are the painkillers and where is the cure? what used to be impatience is now dread, what used to be expectancy is now avoidance, the desire to escape. but there simply isn't anywhere to escape to, to flee from the mess and all.

song of the night: breakdown by mariah carey

"nonchalant. going to extremes. fine. reality. a smile. how i feel. convincingly. to reveal. disguise."


+ serene @ 12:52 AM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 12:52 AM

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Tuesday, October 28, 2003

thank god that yihan's dad is fine :) at least that's one worry out of the head *beam*

was rather touched by stuff mr lee (chee keong) said to me today...he's really nice and encouraging and his sms language rocks more than any of us i think *laughs*


+ serene @ 9:39 PM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 9:39 PM

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Sunday, October 26, 2003

oh fantastic fantastic day today...still feeling the after-effects of such a fun and wonderful day :)

went to orchard in the late morning with yihan, shane and shuwan today for karaoke session at k-box! oh what absolute fun it was! sang so many many songs, with great mtvs and all (not including the cheapskate english mtvs of course...but the chinese ones were really good and real heh) had a little trouble with the screeching mikes at first, but managed to resolve it and everything went perfectly fine after that...discounting my inability to stay in tune for wo bu nan guo (haha i'm never attempting to sing that again man) and a few others. oh my voice sucks. but who cares man :) it's just fun, not *practice* :) oh yes, and who could forget shane's belting out of the sleazy song "if" by janet jackson. oh i admit i contributed a bit, BUT i was't the one who chose the song muahahaha *grinses* food wasn't very good, but for $8.70 and a 3 hours karaoke session, must say that i'm quite satisfied. must must make it a point to go again in the near future, maybe after french AOs or something :)

yups and after that, pam joined us and we just walked around shopping. oh yes, and yihan and i were dying to get new bags (considering my disgustingly pink one i've resorted to using now, i think i'm really in dire need of a new one...) so we went to like all the shops in orchard man. like erm, wheelock. far-east. taka. heeren. pacific plaza. and finally wisma where he finally found his dream bag! haha that coincidentally cost ***** dollars. censored censored man. it's like too sinful to state here *grinses* toooo sinful :P and i of course, did not manage to find the red nike bag i've been wanting for how long. sheesh. must be out of fashion already or something, but i still want it!

food for today worth remembering:

shane's lemon cum something cum something self-home-mixed "cocktail" (was just fruit juice actually...) that tasted sweet and sour at the same time. interesting mix. unforgettable too, i must say.

icecream at wheelock! exorbitant price of 3 bucks per scoop, so yihan and i bought the 2 scoops one instead and wallopped it down. whoopee. so sinful again. 10 rounds an absolute must again tomorrow argh. oh but what the heck man. it was worth the money and the 10 rounds tomorrow. so smooth and creamy and delicious and milk-powdery. haha that doesn't sound very appetizing but it was! :)

oh yes, and after all that walking around and my shopping for a bag that doesn't seem to exist...all of us were super tired, so in we went into marche for their fantastic rosti! yummy...haven't eaten it since like sec 2 or something i think. how deprived. but was revived today by the hot crispy rosti and the cold sour cream! yumyumyum. better make it 12 rounds instead tomorrow *grinses*

marche was quite fun. we just sat there talking. haha we bought a $4.50 rosti and spent about 1 plus hour there, taking up their tables. *grinses* quite worth considering the fact that places like esplanade charge 7 bucks an hour for studying there. woohoo we get the best deals man. :)

not a very productive day today, considering i didn't buy anything at all, except sweets! haha that would be unseen-before hichew flavours :) BUT that's good, cos it means my wallet's still intact, unlike...muahaha *eyebrow* whoops there i go again. but it's just too irresistible and tempting. the ***** price of that bag just calls out to me in pain and agony. *laughs*

tata! results released tomorrow. i'm glad i enjoyed myself totally today. thanks you guys :)


+ serene @ 10:38 PM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 10:38 PM

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Thursday, October 23, 2003

open house today, but nothing much happened...
spent most of the time walking around and watching performances that i missed during national day and teachers' day. :)

i realise there's really a lot of nice people around. friends who never fail to cheer you up and make your day by just being them. friends who are always concerned about others before them. friends who always make you laugh. friends who really make a difference in your life. thank god for them who are like gifts from heaven :)


+ serene @ 11:40 PM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 11:40 PM

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Wednesday, October 22, 2003

quite the boring day today sighs.
only adrenaline-rushing part, literally speaking, was the run i had in the morning. woohoo..terrible feeling while running, but great feeling after it. especially after the guilt of the nydc chocolate stuff was diminished after the run *grinses* would have stopped at 7/8 rounds if not for shane running with me and pushing me on and on and on. haha thanks man :) had such a great sense of accomplishment after that...stamina has deproved so much after 2 months of sedentary activities sheesh. should do this more often too...u'll feel happy like for 2 hours after the run cos of all the endorphins and stuff :) on to greater heights! progress to 11, then 12! :)


+ serene @ 11:32 PM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 11:32 PM

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Tuesday, October 21, 2003

today was a supposed to be not so fun day that turned out fun after all :)
oh school rocks. :)

emilia and i decided that eating outside would do wonders to our spirits, so off we went after my chorale pract..after wondering and wondering what we should eat, we decided on nydc after all, the like super-taboo place with sinful deserts sheesh :) got the oven-baked pasta and spagetthi, and then shared this delicious chocolatey cookie monster mudpie. oh man...sinful sinful! but delicious :) it's like THE key to getting high. talked quite a bit about stuff...after all, that *was* the whole point of going out. glad we went out and fa1 xie4 together...some things need an outlet, as milly says, and i agree totally. perhaps some things are better left forgotten, but perhaps talking about it is the road to forgetting. hopefully :)


+ serene @ 8:17 PM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 8:17 PM

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Monday, October 20, 2003

oh fun day today :)

went to school to let mr chan see our final pw report, then was slacking around, didn't know what to do in school, when weiqi called! yaaaaay then we decided that since we both didn't have anything to do, we'd go watch a movie at orchard! yaaaaay! and milly rushed down after pw to meet us for the show too yaaaaay! :)

show was good :) Matchstick Men. really cool show. funny and sad at the same time. but can't say much here cos it'll just spoil everything for anyone who hasn't watched it yet. i still wanna watch seabiscuit, and matrix! can't wait for it to come out *beams*

pw is FINALLY done. at least, the report is. now on to oral presentation argh. i think i shall take a self-declared break for at least 4 days before starting on oral presentation. dead beat, that i am. sighs. but happy! accomplished! finally, at long last we're done! haha word limit was just nice...report was exactly 2500 words long *grinses*

gotta go read brave new world now..exciting book :)


+ serene @ 10:44 PM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 10:44 PM

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Sunday, October 19, 2003

had a looooong pw meeting tomorrow from 12-5.30pm, but haha, spent most of the time indulging in animatrix *beam* it was great! but i didn't get to watch the whole thing, but it was quite cool still. and gory for some parts too haha. i have this irresistible urge to rewatch matrix 1 and 2 now, but i dun have the vcd or dvd! *sniff* and i absolutely cannot wait for matrix 3 to come out...so exciting! :):):)

oh yes, life's great, life's great :)

pw meeting wasn't too bad today, i mean, it was kind of fun to meet in school and see like half the class in school today heh, be it for the horror of pw, or open house stuff. pw. perpetual work. permanent wreck. problematic wrong. woohoo. says a lot about project work doesn't it *grinses*

sadly, tomorrow's karaoke is cancelled, but hopefully we can all make it on mon *crosses fingers even harder now* and i want a movie marathon, movie marathon, movie marathon! haha it's my turn to declare a movie marathon! anyone on? at least 2 in a row, or 3 even! i wanna watch matchstick men, seabiscuit, and oh well, whatever's on man. must must must before chinese AOs catch up with us, and we're all immersed in stacks of chinese papers.

sigh. pw word count is at 3233. oh lord, please give me the strength and *wisdom* to cut this darned report! summary has never been my strength, i only like crapping out essays like say very little in a lot of words heh. the effect of social studies definitely :)

oh yes, and just sent emilia the song "sometimes love just ain't enough" which she desperately wanted. and yes, it's really quite a beautiful song with beautiful lyrics. sad though.

"I don't wanna hate you, i don't wanna take you, but i dun wanna be the one to cry. There's a danger in loving somebody too much, and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust. And like a fool who will never see the truth, i keep thinking something's gonna change."

i am thinking of you, in my sleepless solitude tonight. if it's wrong to love you, then my heart just won't let me be right. cos i've drowned in you, and i won't pull through without you by my side. Can you feel me, imagining I'm looking in your eyes. I can see you clearly, vividly emblazoned in my mind. And yet you're so far, like a distant star I'm wishing on tonight.

lovely. it was my first favourite :)
and this too.

when i think of our untimely end, and everything we could have been, i cry, baby i cry.

sad songs are always so much nicer than happy ones :)


+ serene @ 2:09 AM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 2:09 AM

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Friday, October 17, 2003

OH MY GOSH IT'S OVER!
:):):)
was so so so happy after the bio paper, i couldn't stop jumping up and down forever! *grinses*

just came back from a fantastic class dinner with a fantastic turnout! 14 people, including me, it's really amazing! :) there was yihan, rosie, shane, weiqi, emilia, wilson, pam, silvanus, jerold, joanne, julie, yanghan and chiara! went to the newly revamped plaza sing! erm, actually, it didn't really look very revamped to me, seemed rather the same with the exception of the inclusion of carrefour which i didn't have time to go to anyway..but fret not, still plenty of time to go another day *beambeam* oh yes, so we went to swensen's, and there was this lucky-draw thingee that everyone got, and it's a sure-get thing. so all of us took one each, and there was like erm..."get a soft drink for 55 cents" and "get a super soda for 55 cents" (which came with a scoop of ice-cream on the edge of the class and was terribly and overly sweet according to yihan, but still! 55 cents!) and get a single-scoop icecream for 55 cents" and "get a sundae for 55 cents"...heh well yeah. :) oh food was not too bad, as it always is, chicken-baked rice i had was good too, just a little exorbitant at 9.80 as it always is, but liberation makes me rich! muahahahaha :)

oh well, evening was just great fun. what with the intermittent complaints about the horrendous bio paper (i tell u, that paper could set a record for the world's most weird and evil paper, and it was intermittent cos no one could bear talking about it for long, but sometimes it just steals into the conversation like a recurring disease or something *laughs*), shane's "cheekeong alert!" which was really funny, but it felt kind of guilty at the same time too, discussions on when to go for karaoke (which is this sun IF and ONLY IF pw is done by sat....gosh really hope it is done), mr lee's...erm..."hot pants", literally in terms of colour and size (or rather, the lack of it *laughs*), our pure joy at being liberated from THE disgusting promos and just being together! oh yes, and it's jerold's birthday tomorrow, so impromptu celebration there, with a delicious cookies and cream ice-cream cake and the swensen's staff gathering around and singing happy birthday to the poor birthday boy cum very, or rather, OVERLY enthusiastic class treasurer who's always emptying our pockets and who's really not very poor (considering that he said, "the class funds and me are ONE.") like sheesh :) sighs. only regret is that i forgot to bring camera! how could i not take photos, when everyone's in the best of moods and probably having the biggest smile of their lifetime! haha maybe i'll bring on tues, when pw is handed up. maybe that'll be another time to catch the joy of us *grinses*

still feeling amazingly high from all the excitement and sugary food and ice-cream and everything. orchard's been so far from me for such a long time, it's really great to visit the place again, and the feeling of returning there is just superb! feels even better than when we used to go there every week during our rgs years (god i feel old). yes, good things come in the end, and today marks the end of one major period of our jc life! celebrations! fanfare! :):):)

well yes, even pw can't dampen my spirits. nothing can. not even you can! not even the little incident on the way to the bus stop when i had this feeling just at that very moment, and turning back to find that i was right. is this sixth sense? if it is, i'll rather be without it. not even seeing an eyesore word plastered everywhere i went today, on shop signs of a clinic (???), on necklaces, on posters. like sheesh. maybe it's a test of tolerance, and passed with flying colours i did! after all, the exuberance is just too great to overcome anything i might have felt. oh well, i admit, the bus-stop one got me a little, but dismissed it immediately and got back to the class. whee :) class rocks. really enjoyed myself so much with you people today, i'm so glad i didn't go for french in the end!

pw tomorrow! and hopefully karaoke on sun...if me, shane and shuwan are done with each of our pw reports *crossed fingers*

happiness!


+ serene @ 11:53 PM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 11:53 PM

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Wednesday, October 15, 2003

chem paper was so bad, i don't even feel like writing about it. it was. bad. panicking didn't help either.
total annihilation.
argh.
seems like my grades are slipping day by day, month by month, year by year.
oh did i say "seems"? i really meant, they are. :(

argh. i feel like i'm going crazy. brain's just not functioning anymore.


+ serene @ 2:12 PM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 2:12 PM

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Tuesday, October 14, 2003

physics was disastrous! lots and lots and lots of calculation mistakes, lots and lots and lots of questions undone! just like the common tests, but i think this time, it's worse than ever! hope i'll be able to scrape through *wince*

and i'm in a total state of panic for bio. totally. so many things undone, unlearned, unmemorised. and there's only 3 more days, 2 if u dun count fri, which i shouldn't cos there's chinese paper in the morning heh. panic panic panic. and chem tomorrow too. i'm living perpetually in this state of indecision on whether to save bio by forgoing chem, or risk bio and work on chem to ease the ever-increasing guilt if i don't touch chem at all today. but no matter how i look at it, it seems like chem is un-savable. *grinses* 3 more days to partial freedom! :):):)


+ serene @ 9:44 AM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 9:44 AM

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Friday, October 10, 2003

was feeling rather down upon returning home today, so decided to go for a run and felt much better after that. especially upon remembering a certain photo that made my day today *laughs* gosh i think i could be entertained forever by it..all thanks to the wonderful ez-link people who make all our photos turn out so well! *grinses* now that i think about it again, i feel like laughing all over again :)

gp was gp...what can i say? expected no less, expected no more. capital punishment didn't come out, contrary to my unreliable attempt to spot questions. but education did! my favourite topic! haha still it wasn't that easy to write, but i was of course in favour of our education system, bringing out a few negative points but rebutting them immediately *laughs* pw is a gift sent from heaven! well, didn't really put it that way, but the essence of it, yes. gah i went against my moral principles and integrity by saying that, but i was forced to *sniff* i *had* to use it for my point...so there :) application and summary were bad though, and so was vocab..what on earth is hedonism?? oh here it is:"Pursuit of or devotion to pleasure"...i think i wrote something to that effect ah who cares...over!! :)

1 down, 5 to go! :)


+ serene @ 3:44 PM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 3:44 PM

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Wednesday, October 08, 2003

quite the depressing post below. hmm. think happy thoughts! promos gonna be over in 9 days! *beam*

argh each time i see the stack of past-year promo papers on my table, it just seems to be giving this "muahahahaha" evil laugh, mocking my ineptitude. sheesh. chem papers are killers, physics papers and killers, maths are too, and i haven't touched bio yet. it can't be any better. at least i got a much needed rest today *winks*, which obviously means self-declared holiday, my very first woohoo! :)

oh yes. holland v rocks. and i dun dare to start watching yihan's highly recommended "a chinese ghost story" on channel u in case i get addicted to it too. *grinses* oh gosh i can't wait for next fri 5pm to come.. :)

ad dear..dun suan :)


+ serene @ 8:44 PM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 8:44 PM

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the past few days haven't been fantastic...sine curve's on the descent. hopefully like the chinese saying goes, when things are all bad, there's nowhere to go but better times. sure hope the better times come sooner, and hope the sine curve won't like plateau out over a long period of time...

so many things gone wrong in a short period of time, or perhaps, it's just the accumulation of many things. perhaps i'm reflecting a little too much these days. all the past events, coupled with whatever's happening now, melds together to form this haze, this cloud looming overhead. regretting a couple of things at the beginning of the year coming back to haunt me, regretting more recent things, regretting that it ever happened, angry with myself for letting it happen and angry with myself for still being angry with myself. i shouldn't have said no. should i have said no? i'll never know i guess. everything just seems to stem from that one thing. god what a mess.

school's good for me. good for healing. good for sealing the hurt and stopping the pain. at least, in school, there's laughter, there's fun, there's things to take my mind off the unhappy things. but inevitably, my mind refuses to listen to my commands to not think about things, and it wanders back to it time after time. talking about it last night just opened up the floodgates of hurt all over again. but i guess it would have come out again sooner or later. after all, it's just neither here nor there. just left hanging with no end to it, like in cartoons when the character is left hanging in mid-air because he doesn't realise that he went over the cliff already. i feel like that now, the instant that he's stuck between something and nothing, only this isn't lasting an instant, and only this doesn't have the humour cartoons have. closure, i think that's the key, i need at least that, it'll probably help me forget, but how will i get it?

no school for 2 days. what's gonna distract me from all these?



+ serene @ 12:01 AM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 12:01 AM

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Thursday, October 02, 2003

panic attack!

was struck by a sudden panic attack a few hours ago, and the feeling hasn't subsided. yihan was having one today during chem lecture, and there i was, telling him not to worry too much, and a few hours later, i'm struck by the same ailment. argh!!! so many things undone, especially...well, especially everything! prospect doesn't seem very bright, but i guess i should keep a positive attitude haha sheesh. oh and i got "scolded" by val during chem lecture for being much more talkative! and yihan was like..."does she mean i'm the bad influence here??" *insulted look* oh absolutely hilarous. *laughs* :)

ser-1-ene, serine, cyclo(psycho)serene...witness my undying passion for organic chem (yeah right).

and dun worry psycho-sh-1-ane, no one wants to steal this particular name that was created specially and specifically for you *grinses* it'll remain forever and ever and ever yours :)

how many more days to the end of promos?? i can't be bothered to count, but i really can't wait to get it over and done with and go out! sheesh, need to do shopping, karoke, shopping, karoke, shopping, karoke and whatever :)


+ serene @ 11:46 PM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 11:46 PM

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can't believe i chickened out of a self-declared holiday and went to school for pw...haha sheesh =]

disaster is looming closer and closer! what with french ao orals this coming mon, and the most dreaded promos starting next fri, and my unpreparedness of it all! but here i am, typing this and listening to music, and that's it. what happened to the sense of urgency, the adrenaline, the fear?? poof.

can't listen to lectures nowadays, and use the time to revise other stuff instead. terrible i know, but heh, at this stage, it doesn't really matter. just that it's quite scary, when during bio lect today, carlyn lee turned towards me, looked right at me when i suddenly looked up, frowning from a weird question in bio tys that i was stumped by. looked right at me. eeks. i just avoided her eyes and stared down at the enzyme notes (masquerading as animal transport notes heh) in front of me and pretended to be thinking about whatever she was talking about that time. perhaps she let me off cos it was a bio tys *grinses*

mr lee assured us that chem promos were easier than common tests. like i'm sure lah.


+ serene @ 1:25 AM * [ serene ] r e m e m b e r s again * 1:25 AM

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